Simon Hoggart's week: The gurning Salmond's 'photo-bombing' was a dud

It took the MoD’s infuriating warning about Faslane to undo the damage of the Scottish first minister’s stunt at Wimbledon

✒Those of us who support Scottish independence have had a difficult week. There was the sight of Alex Salmond gurning and waving the Scottish flag behind the prime minister’s head at Andy Murray’s match.

He looked like one of those strange people who stand close to politicians being interviewed on College Green, outside the Houses of Parliament, flapping a sign that says “Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord” or “Fracking kills.” I fear that a lot of Scots must have thought, “we’re supposed to have this man run all of our lives?”

But then happily the Ministry of Defence, surely the most cloth-headed of all government departments, came up with the idea of declaring that the Trident submarine base at Faslane would have to remain sovereign UK territory after independence, even though the Scottish National party insists that Scotland must be a nuclear-free zone.

I can’t imagine anything that would infuriate Scots more. Our cause of a free Caledonia is not quite lost.

✒This week George Osborne joked that the reason he had sent out for a posh burger from a restaurant called Byron was that McDonald’s had run out of McLobster. at a restaurant called Byron was that McDonalds had run out of McLobster. We thought it was a joke, but there are McLobster sandwiches available in parts of Canada.

I resolved never to go into a McDonald’s (or “Mickey Dee’s” as they would love to be called but never are) after they took legal action against two leafleters protesting at their methods.

But this week I was very hungry, and needed something quick and hot. In that street McDonald’s was the only choice. Then the moment the very sweet lass behind the counter asked “may I help you?” I looked at the pictures of various food-style substances, the smell of cooking fat drifted into my nostrils, and I had to turn and walk out.

✒Incidentally, on Thursday the chancellor explained why the coalition was going to stop unemployed people getting benefit for the first week: it would concentrate their minds on finding another job. (Instead of lazing on the sofa drinking beer, he implied.)

Why is it that the only way the poor can be made to work is to give them less money, while the only thing that will get the rich to roll their sleeves up is to give them more?

✒Last week I mentioned a joke about the man in the supermarket who asks for half a lettuce. The assistant goes to the end of the shop and says, “hey, some asshole wants to buy half a lettuce!” He spins around and sees the customer has followed him. “And this gentleman would like to buy the other half!”

Several readers have emailed to say there is a coda. The manager says, “you’ve obviously got great diplomatic skills. We want to promote you and have you run our Minneapolis (or Glasgow, or Rio) branch.”

The guy …read more